In the first parts of my childhood, I had little to no sense of most dangers. The only danger I understood and feared was violent people. During a storm, I said I was bored. One of my brothers, which one I can't recall, told me to go to the top of a set of large rocks outside our old home and stand there with a metal baseball bat over my head. I did this, standing in a high altitude in a lightning storm holding metal over my head, not knowing why. Thankfully, nothing happened. It wasn't until years later that I realized what could have happened.
Another time, I was told by peers to stomp on a wasp nest. I did, and when I was stung, I thought I must be doing something wrong. I thought there was a right way to step on a wasp nest without getting hurt. Oddly enough, I felt next to nothing, even though I was in great pain from being stung by one wasp before and afterwards.
Yet another time, I was holding a glass jar in my lap. I didn't realize the jar was broken. People began to scream about blood. I looked down, seeing blood over my legs and also over my hands. Someone said, "Put that jar down!" I dumbly threw the jar, letting it shatter. Not once did I feel any pain from the cuts.
I probably would, without realizing the consequences, have jumped off a cliff if someone had asked me to.
Rose was what caused me to really understand danger. Rose was a sick dog I was conned into buying. She chose me, though, and we loved each other right away. She leaped into my arms, as if to say, "YOU! You're who I've been waiting for!
" When my mother found out Rose was sick, she said I could keep her if I could pay for her as some sort of twisted lesson in responsibility. (I was only six years old when I bought Rose for very cheap. The person who sold her to me figured she would die in a day or two.) Rose had seizures, moments where she wouldn't recognize anyone, and very poor physical health.
Four years after her purchase, she was still living when a much larger dog attacked her. Rose herself was supposed to be a large dog. She was a Border Collie, at least mostly. Because she was both sickly and the runt of her litter, her frame was much smaller than it should have been. The larger dog nearly destroyed her. A veterinarian took pity on my dog and I, and managed to keep her alive albeit in an even more fragile state.
It was then that I noticed danger everywhere. Oh, people were so mean to my dog. Boys would poke her with sticks, saying, "We can see its meat!" On the bright side, Rose could defend herself in a snap from those sort of dangers. When it came to most dangers, alas, I felt my dog was powerless. I worried she would fall off a bridge and carried her across it. I worried and had nightmares about her being kidnapped. She was supposed to stay outside, and I hated that because I was sure something would attack her outside. I sneaked her inside under my blanket every night possible.
Rose lived between six and seven years. She died with one eye open and one eye closed, according to Ben and the same veterinarian who had saved her before. I never saw her body. I couldn't bear to see her dead, feeling like I had failed to keep her safe even though the cause of her death was a combined heart attack and seizure.
I still dream sometimes that Rose did not really die and has instead been searching the world over for me. Time alone would have taken her long ago even if that did make any sense, which it doesn't. No other dog has ever come close to Rose.
The spirit can remain strong, regardless of the body and mind. "She was definitely
your dog," James said, when he first heard her story. I know what he was saying and I agree. Plus, I think she was right to choose me for another reason. I don't think anyone else around would have devotedly kept her alive for long.
Something else of note is this: it was caring for someone else that taught me about danger, something I should have known by instinct. I think my maternal intuition is the most... "sane" part of me, for lack of a better word. It has always been only when I am caring for others that I learn things most people figure out right away.
Blackberry Bun Wrote:I... kinda don't understand.
My computer's weather gadget said it was storming in the capital of Indonesia. I thought you said you lived in the capital. Maybe that was someone else.