Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Back to Strawberryland: Chapter 2
#1
Quote:After I had awakened, I smelled a familiar smell of Bacon and Eggs.

“Come on Galaxyman!” My friend Eridell said as he called to me.

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and then looked at him, “What’s for breakfast man?”

Eridell opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted as the pieman entered with two plates, “Eggs anyway you want them.”

As he put the two plates down, setting one down in front of Eridell, Sourgrapes emerged along with one of my other friends, Jakeye. They both were carrying two plates of Eggs just as the pieman did.

“Good morning Jakeye, and you too Sourgrapes.”

“Good morning Galaxyman!” They both responded.

I slowly made my way to the table beside Eridell. I put the plate of eggs closer to myself and then looked at pieman.

The Pieman looked at me confused, “What?”

“Oh, I still can’t believe that you can make other things besides pies.”

Everyone, except the pieman, chuckled.

The pieman sighed, “Must we have this conversation again?”

“We don’t have to, but I just thought that it was worth mentioning.”

We all sat down and ate our breakfast. After everyone had finished, Sourgrapes took all the dishes and went to wash them.

The Purplepieman stood up, “Would you and your friend do me a favor Galaxyman?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Would you go to the Strawberryland store and get me some berries?”

“We’ll be happy too,” I said to him and then I chuckled a little.

“What’s so funny this time?” The pieman asked, getting irritated.

“The fact that you want us to go buy berries instead of stealing them, that’s what.”

“At least he wants us to buy them,” Eridell whispered to me.

The pieman was not amused, “Will you two knock it off?” He said to us half yelling. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small white piece of paper, “Okay, all of the types of berries as well as how much you need to get are written here.”

Eridell and I looked it over, “4 pounds of blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries,” I read out loud.

“Yes, that’s correct!” Pieman told us. “Also, my card number is on the bottom so when you get done, just tell the clerk to bill me later."

“Ah! There’s nothing more suspicious then buying 4 pounds of three types of berries and telling the clerk to bill the card later!" I said sarcastically.

“Will you two just go get the berries?" He said loudly as he went to another room. He then turned around, “While you’re there, please try not to run into “that girl”

I raised my eyebrow, “That girl? Who do you mean--? I then figured it out, “Are you talking about…?
“Never mind who I’m talking about! Just go!”


“Is this everything then?” A pink haired girl at the cashier machine asked.

I looked at the list again, “We’ve got 4 pounds of strawberries, blackberries, and blueberries; yep, that’s everything.

“How do you want to pay for this?” the girl asked.

Eridell then took the piece of paper and handed to the clerk, “Well, we don’t have the physical card, but the card number is on this paper and that is how we’d like to pay. Please bill us later.”

“Interesting! Please wait a moment,” she said before she went into a backroom.”
“Uh oh!, I hope pieman didn’t give us a stolen card number,” Eridell said with concern.

“Nah, The pieman’s not that dumb!” I assured him.”

“I do hope you are right, Galaxyman!”

The clerk returned with the paper, “I just spoke with the manager and he said that the card was good.”

“That’s good to know,” Eridell said as we finished putting all the berries in sacks.

The clerk waved to us, “Have a good day.”

“Thanks!” We both said as we exited the store.


Well that was fun.” I told Eridell as we continued walking.

“I agree Galaxyman! We better hurry and get back to the pruplepieman with these berries.”

I heard the sliding doors to the store open and I caught a glimpse of a girl with a red hat leaving. I quickly grabbed my friend and we hid behind a bench that was nearby us.

“What are we hiding behind this bench for Galaxyman? What’s going on?”

“Shh…She’s hear you!” I told him.

Eridell’s voice became a whisper, “Who’ll hear me?”

“She will!” I said as I pointed to the girl who was walking by us.”

Eridell looked and saw a girl with a red hat on with orange hair and a small chameleon on her shoulder. He then ducked back down, “Who is she?”

“Her name is Peppermint Fizz and she’s the girl who was in my dream.”

I heard a small chuckle, “Wow, Galaxyman! I never realized you were that obsessed with girls.

I narrowed my eyes at him and then struck him in the head with my hand.

“OW!” Eridell said somewhat loudly.

The girl turned around to see what was going on, but then continued on her way when she didn’t see anything.

“Thanks for almost giving us away there, man.”

Eridell rubbed his head, “That was uncalled for.”

I sighed, “Will you quit your whining?” I watched as the girl got further away. “Now, as I was saying, “I had a dream and her name was mentioned.”

“How come?” He asked.

“I’m not sure exactly, but in the past, this girl had become a bully to another girl, and if I understand correctly, the other girl kept on being nice to her; eventually, the two girls became friends.”

“Interesting! But so what?” Eridelle asked.

“The two girls are still friends, but the weird thing is, Peppermint might go back to her old ways. However, I’m not sure when or how.”

Eridelle shook his head, “Yes, but Peppermint might not go back to her old ways. If they have been friends for a long time and have forgotten about those incidents, then they should be fine.”

I stood up since I knew Peppermint was now a distance off and couldn’t see us, “I’m sure the other girl has forgotten about it and even though Peppermint may have forgotten about it, but maybe she remembers it to.”

I helped Eridelle up, “Personally, I think that if anyone has a questionable past, you should always trust them with extreme caution no matter how good they have become.” I started walking in the direction she went.

“Personally, I think you’re loony,” my friend said as he came up to me. “What are you going to do? Spy on her?”

I looked at Eridelle, “You know what’s funny? I asked the white figure that.”

He raised his eyebrow, “White figure?”

“It’s complicated, forget I even mentioned it. Let’s follow her; she’s even heading in the direction where the pruplepieman lives.”

I quickly ran so I could try to keep her in sight while I was far behind her where she couldn’t see me.

“Be careful with the berries man!” Eridell called as he ran after me. We both continued running after Peppermint. After awhile, we both saw her still walking straight. I looked around to make sure that there were plenty of trees around for both of us to hide behind In case she saw us.

“This is insane!” Eridell said in protest, “Why don’t we just go up to her and confront her?”

I looked at him as I went by a tree, trying to keep an eye on Peppermint, “Why would we do that? I’m not going to blow our cover!”

Eridell shook his head, “Perhaps blowing our cover in this case isn’t such a bad idea.”

I sighed as we both continued to pursue her, keeping our distance as best as we could. We had no idea where she was going either. At some points, we thought we had lost her, but with a little luck, we managed to stay on her trail.

“Look Galaxyman!” Eridell said loudly pointing at a house in the distance. We’re almost back to the pieman’s house. How about if we just abandon this pursuit, give the pieman his berries, and then chase this Peppermint some other time?”

“I want to know what she’s up…Hold on!” I said as I stopped myself. Eridell slowed to a stop, only after he saw that I had stopped. We both saw Peppermint standing still looking around. I looked around and hoped that there was a tree close by us. We both continued to look at Peppermint who, thankfully, hadn’t seen us yet. I moved towards the tree.

“Are we supposed to duck behind the tree now?”

“No Eridell, but we should get close to the tree just in case she does.” As soon as I had finished speaking, I saw her slowly turn her head towards us. I motioned for my friend to get behind the tree. The girl saw my friend’s foot go behind the tree. She scratched her head and started walking towards us.

“Shoot!” I whispered to Eridell, “She’s heading our way!”

“I know,” he replied, “What are we going to do?”

I whispered into his ears for a few seconds and then he backed away when I finished, “Are you crazy? That’s not very nice.”

I smiled, “I never said it was nice, but it has to be done, or else, she’ll tell everyone she knows about us.

Eridell shook his head, “Well, I’d rather she tell everyone about us and leave a good report than the other way around.”

“Maybe that will happen a few years from now, dude. I saw Peppermint get closer. “Alright dude, I need two of your berries.”

“Why do they have to be mine? How come they can’t be two of yours? Eridell complained.

“Just give them to me and hurry!”

Eridell reached into his bags and pulled out one strawberry and one blueberry. I took them and held them in my hand which was behind my back, careful not to squash them. We both could hear the girl’s footsteps get closer.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Peppermint began.

“BOOGA! BOOGA!” I shouted as I took my hand that contained the berries and smashed both of them directly in Peppermint’s face.

“AAUUGHHH!” She screamed as the berries made contact and the juice flew on her face, some of it going on her clothes and in her eye. She then dropped to the ground holding on to her face while still screaming.

I turned to Eridell, “Now’s our chance, to the purplepieman’s house, Hurry!” I told him as I made a mad dash towards the house off in the distance.

“Goodness! Gracious! Our silly adventures!” He then turned towards peppermint who was still on the ground, “I’m sorry about that, my friend can sometimes be rather rash.”

“WHO ARE YOU? I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!” She yelled, still not being able to see.”

“Oh my goodness!” Eridell exclaimed before he finally took off for the house.”

At this point, Peppermint was furious, “Cola! Cola! Where are you?”

The chameleon tugged on her shirt to let her know that he was there.

“Go after those two and find out where they are going. After you are done, come back and tell me everything you’ve found out.” She felt all around until she touched the tree; lifting herself up off the ground. She swept some more of the berry juice off her and saw her pet looking at her.

“Why are you still standing there?!” After them!”

The chameleon turned camouflage green to make himself look like the grass before taking off after us.

The orange haired girl looked at her hand which was now stained with both of the berries.
“I’ll get you for this!” She said to herself through clenched teeth. A sly evil smile and a chuckle then came from her, “I promise you that!”
Reply
#2
First of all, long time no see! Where have you been? Big Grin

Second, I want to say that there are places where quotation marks are either missing or unnecessarily added, which force me to read the sentence multiple times to understand it.

Third, your grammar is very good.

I forgot if you have ever told me how you picture the kids in the stories. Do they have their 2003 looks or 2007 looks? I'm picturing 2003 looks because in my opinion her attitude in here is more in-character for the 2003 Peppermint.

As for the story itself, what happened in this chapter reminds me of a story of a rich man who had a personal foretelling pet which was said to be always correct. One day the pet told him that robbers would mug him soon and there would be nothing he could do to prevent that. Hearing that, he fell into despair, told every single security guards to go home, deactivated his alarm system, and left the front door wide open. Later, robbers really came and mugged him easily because there were neither security guards nor alarm system to prevent them, and the door was wide open.

In your story, the "white figure" might be setting the main character (MC) up to make his warning come true. If MC had not met the "white figure" and be warned, he would just walk casually and maybe became friends with Peppermint instead of causing the scene.

In any case, I'm still looking forward to see what will happen next. Smile

By the way, the rich man story didn't end there. The robbers tried using the foretelling pet, which then told them that they would not be able to escape from police. Hearing that, they fell into despair and used a nearby telephone to call the police station, telling the police to send a team to arrest them. :lol:
[Image: TheGrapesChildrenSig.png]
Reply
#3
First: I know. It's been awhile. I would have been able to finish the story sooner, but I got distracted by other activities and hobbies, so, I wasn't really working on the chapter like i should have been. Sorry about that. When I write the third chapter, I'll do my best not to let that happen again.

Second: I'm really sorry if there are quotation marks in the wrong places. I try to proofread my stories twice before I post them to the board, once in my word program, and once when I post them here and separate them, so if there are quotation marks in the wrong positions, that is my mistake because I may not have seen them. Where do you see them? If you can show me, I will try to go and correct it.

Third: Yes, the characters have their 2007 looks. I see what you are saying though because based on what I have written, it may be presumed that I am using the 2003 looks. Having said that though, back in the first chapter when the white figure and I were talking about Peppermint, we were talking about her past which would be back in 2003. Wasn't there points in the 2007 version where Peppermint still tried to do those things that she did in the past even though it was "toned down?"

Fourth: I enjoyed you telling me of that story about a foretelling pet about always being correct; however, I'm not sure if I can connect it to my story, unless the pet is suppose to represent the "white figure" I'm not sure if that is right, but maybe it is.

Fifth: When you say MC, I assume that you're talking about me, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking that is right. Of course, as my story goes on, I might have more then one MC, like maybe 2 or 3 MCs, of course I'm not sure how I'm going to pull that one off, but one chapter at a time I guess. The white figure could be in fact warning the MC about Peppermint or something that is going to happen, however since he seems to be using, what I might call, maybe jokes, riddles, and also "witty" humor, I'm not sure. I just have to assume that he is warning me about her. Why else would he bring up her past and tell me to be "mindful" of it in a way. That leads me to conclude

(A) Either Peppermint will try to do something, bad or worse, to her friends as she did in the past. This could be either intentional or unintentional
(B) This may go with point A, but Peppermint might suggest running a race or participating in the Strawberryland games again; although, this time her, friends may keep a closer eye on her, despite Strawberry always giving her more chances
© It is even possible that there may be sort of a Peppermint Fizz copycat, whether that be someone in the group, or someone that they meet at one point or another.

Either the white figure is trying to warn that Peppermint is capable of doing something and that she might try it when people are least expecting it, or else he is just trying to distract the person he is telling to "something else" that might take place, which wouldn't make sense because in our past adventures, the white figure has always helped us to avoid danger. It could even be said that the white figure is or could be some type of "immortal being"

Sixth: I'm glad that you enjoy my story so far. Also, would it be okay if I used your character for my story. I find your character to be quite interesting and also when you were done making your stories, you ended it with, "I still couldn't stop thinking about the pieman's eventual success" I think that a line like that would be really cool in stories, and i"m not sure if it was suppose to be a cliffhanger or not, but it could also be foreshadowing of what's to come, perhaps somewhere in my story even. Big Grin
Reply
#4
Alright, I'll point out a few.

Quote:Everyone, except the pieman, chuckled.”
The mark at the end is unnecessary
Quote:“Yes, that’s correct!” Pieman told us. “Also, my card number is on the bottom so when you get done, just tell the clerk to bill me later.
There should be a quotation mark at the end
Quote:“Ah! There’s nothing more suspicious then buying 4 pounds of three types of berries and telling the clerk to bill the card later, “I said sarcastically.
A minor misplacement. the last quotation mark should be right after the comma without space, and there should be a space between the mark and the next letter.
Quote:“Will you two just go get the berries? He said loudly as he went to another room. He then turned around, “While you’re there, please try not to run into “that girl”
For this, I'll show you how it should be written:
“Will you two just go get the berries?" He said loudly as he went to another room. He then turned around, “While you’re there, please try not to run into 'that girl'”

galaxyman Wrote:Wasn't there points in the 2007 version where Peppermint still tried to do those things that she did in the past even though it was "toned down?"
I only remember one episode actually.
galaxyman Wrote:I enjoyed you telling me of that story about a foretelling pet about always being correct; however, I'm not sure if I can connect it to my story, unless the pet is suppose to represent the "white figure" I'm not sure if that is right, but maybe it is.
I was just speculating, because it seemed like the warning became true because the MC was warned. Like in the story where the foretelling became true because the user was foretold.
galaxyman Wrote:When you say MC, I assume that you're talking about me, right?
Yes of course.
galaxyman Wrote:I'm glad that you enjoy my story so far. Also, would it be okay if I used your character for my story. I find your character to be quite interesting and also when you were done making your stories, you ended it with, "I still couldn't stop thinking about the pieman's eventual success" I think that a line like that would be really cool in stories, and i"m not sure if it was suppose to be a cliffhanger or not, but it could also be foreshadowing of what's to come, perhaps somewhere in my story even.
As long as you don't make him doing something out-character (Bullying, causing harm, etc) I'm fine with that.

Btw, so you actually read my journals?
[Image: TheGrapesChildrenSig.png]
Reply
#5
okay, I'm pretty sure that I got all four of them. Would you please double check just to make sure?

Quote:I only remember one episode actually.

Are you talking about the episode, the good mayor? That's the one that popped in my head after reading that. I could be wrong though.

Quote:As long as you don't make him doing something out-character (Bullying, causing harm, etc) I'm fine with that.

Btw, so you actually read my journals?

I wasn't going to make him go out of character. What if your character gets attacked, he can defend himself, right?

Also, I actually kind of skimmed your journals, but I kind of read the very first one, so I am interested in reading the rest of them.
Reply
#6
galaxyman Wrote:okay, I'm pretty sure that I got all four of them. Would you please double check just to make sure?
The last one is still a bit off. In that line the phrase "that girl" has quotation marks to emphasize the matter, right? For this case, single quotation mark should be the one used to avoid overlapping with the double quotation mark. And don't forget the full stop mark.

So instead of:
"Try not to run into "that girl"

Write:
"Try not to run into 'that girl'."

Remember that I only pointed out a few. There are more misplacement throughout the story. However, don't let yourself get burdened by this. I'm not telling you to have perfect writing. The most important thing here is that you, and everyone else including me, have fun writing. Wink

galaxyman Wrote:Are you talking about the episode, the good mayor?
Yes, definitely.

galaxyman Wrote:I wasn't going to make him go out of character. What if your character gets attacked, he can defend himself, right?

Also, I actually kind of skimmed your journals, but I kind of read the very first one, so I am interested in reading the rest of them.
Depends on your definition of getting attacked. He's just as defenseless as other kids. But he's good at running away from danger since he has an invisibility badge and wears quick run shoes. Though the former only last for one hour and the latter burns his feet if activated for more than two minutes.

Try to leave some comments there if you like. Smile
[Image: TheGrapesChildrenSig.png]
Reply
#7
Quote:Remember that I only pointed out a few. There are more misplacement throughout the story. However, don't let yourself get burdened by this. I'm not telling you to have perfect writing. The most important thing here is that you, and everyone else including me, have fun writing.

I know that I can't have perfect writing. After all, who does? I always have fun writing.

Quote:Depends on your definition of getting attacked. He's just as defenseless as other kids. But he's good at running away from danger since he has an invisibility badge and wears quick run shoes.

Well there is going to be a lot of times when he may need to fight back because he might be "backed into a corner." but I suppose if you don't want him to be the "fighting type" I guess I could do my best to put his "gadgets" to good use. Big Grin

Quote:Though the former only last for one hour and the latter burns his feet if activated for more than two minutes.

ouch! well I guess if they can be activated for two minutes, that really can help, unless of course if he gets cornered or something like that.
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)